Following

Following... following along... following behind... following, following, following... following Jesus, following my husband, following church leaders, following government leaders... Following.  

The more I say it, the more I feel it setting a rhythm for my heart, but it must be setting a rhythm and my heart must walk in step.  

But it doesn't... the rhythm goes on and my heart is sitting on the side of the road in its big fluffy pink prom dress, with its tiara, watching the rhythm pass by and its pouting a big pout. My head is telling my heart to get itself off the side of the street and fall into rhythm and join the parade but my heart just doesn't want to.  It doesn't follow well, of all the things it does well, following is not one of them....

Jesus is pretty clear on this following thing.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies it bears much fruit.  Whoever loses his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  If anyone serves me, he must FOLLOW me; and where I am, there will my servant be also.  If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.  John 12:24-26

So, I ask myself, am I following.  When you see me, do you see Jesus or just Cristine.  If all you see is Cristine, then I'm not following well. Following is hard, it requires death.  It means death to myself, to my desires, to my wants and my dreams.  I can't even tell you how many hours I've spent crying because following is hard.  Christ promises great things if I FOLLOW him and the the people he's asked me to follow.  He promises that I will bear much fruit.  He promises me eternity. He promises me honor.  BUT I have to follow.  I have to get off the curb, I have to quit going the opposite direction, I have to stand up and walk with him.  His dreams must become my dreams, his desires my desires, his actions my actions.  No more Cristine... only Christ.   

Following... following... following,,, following

Beginning

Let this be true of me and my kids, that their stories would begin with my prayer

Things I LOVE....

hot chocolate toting, backpack lugging Kids

walking the halls of the library, the place where ideas are stored and easily found.

the place where one hears people talking about things like the UN, human rights, Gingerbread Baby, colonists and communism

pulling out books, laying them out, making sense of ideas, 

writing them down, realizing that you don't know everything

wandering in the stacks hoping to find the perfect book, the one that sends shivers up your spine, 

or inspires you to make the coolest Lego contraption ever 

or finding that new story that  makes you forget the world around you

knowing that when you walk out you have become different... new ideas have become a part of you

full of quiet

there is a book laying next to me waiting to be read.. sufjan stevens is playing. kids are crocheting or reading.   hot cup of tea next to me. and i'm drinking in the quiet.  thinking about Sunday, what will we teach the kids about Chirst, thinking about advent, what will we teach our people about HIS coming.  

HIS coming to bring peace and joy and hope and redemption.  HIS coming to bring COMFORT

this is what christmas is supposed to be... not hurried, not rushed. 

but 

full of  JOY and PEACE

Hot Tea and Books

Sweet Music

You Can't Have It All...

For years I have preached this..... You Can't Have It All.  But as usual it seemed to only touch the things in my life I wanted it to.  I thought I did a pretty good job at being okay with not having it all. And then this morning I heard myself saying to myself..... I can't believe you didn't get a workout in, you should have gotten up earlier.  This is my perpetual conversation.... you should have gotten up earlier.  And then it occurred to me, I believe I can have it all.  My “all” looks different than it used to but once again I believe that I can have it all.  I believe that I can….

Workout

Read my Bible

Read enough literature to satisfy my longing

Homeschool my children

Take Mika to choir

Hang out with friends

Take trips to visit friends

Eat no processed food

Buy only organic ingredients

Have a clean house

Do fun projects with my kids

Do house projects

Not have dirty dishes on my counter

Teach my kids piano

Get enough sleep

Spend time with my husband

Love my husband

Have people over

Serve my church community

Write a blog

Have a hobby, maybe photography

And the list goes on…. I want it all… all good things but somehow all these good things aren’t fitting into my life.  The last couple of weeks I have found myself feeling like a pop bottle all shaken up ready for somebody to unscrew the lid and explode all over.  I may have to make some decisions, I might have to decide what it is I can have and let go of the stuff that just isn’t fitting. 

Last night I asked my very wise husband how I should handle this, how do I relieve the pressure, how do I let it go.  And he said speak about it, be real about your struggle, breathe it out and breathe God in.  So out it goes like a very large exhale, as if someone just knocked the wind out of me and in comes God with a gasp of longing, filling my lungs with new air.

60!

Sometimes a birthday must be taken note of and this is just one of those birthdays!  Sometimes it must be taken note of because of the amount of years lived and sometimes because of the person. This birthday is both.  It was one of those numbers you stop and celebrate, and it was my mom.  60 days ago we celebrated with family pictures (taken by the fabulous Vonnie), lobster rolls, bbq beef and hotdogs (I think we covered all the bases... Maine, Nebraska, kids).  Malaki wrote in his journal that week, "Tomorrow is Nana's birthday.  We will have lobster and hotdogs."  Its exciting stuff!!!  

And since my Dad has not even attempted to keep my mom's age hidden on facebook, I'm not even going to try and pretend to hide it.  When Malaki was writing in his journal and we were talking about Nana's age, Benji jumped in and said, "Why do you keep saying she's going to be 60 years old, why don't you say she's going to be 60 years young."  Maybe my mom has been pulling Benji aside and training him or maybe he's just that sweet.  

The thing is, birthdays are one thing but the person is another.  And birthdays often give us those moments to reflect on the life of the person.  So I was thinking about my mom and who she is and what she has given us.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy

It sorta just goes without saying, its so who she is that its hard to even to expound upon.  She has given her whole life to the calling Jesus has given her and has loved him.  Whether its loving His church or caring for the homeless, she has served.  If you asked any of the children in the church whether or not my mom loves them, they wouldn't have a hard time saying yes.  She is not only teaching them about Jesus but she is being Jesus.  Not only that, but she makes time to get away with Jesus...sometimes I think its just an excuse to go to Starbucks or Panera :)  

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life

My mom loves my dad and maybe second to loving Jesus that is the best gift she's ever given me!!!  She isn't surprised at his antics and I think she kinda likes it, even though the rest of us think, "you wrote what on facebook".  In his eyes, she is still the college girl with long blonde hair and they are still passing notes and he's still the college guy in red sneakers that's making her laugh.  

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

My mom loves her family, whether its sitting and listening or serving them, she loves.  I love watching her love my kids and I love the way she knows them.  I love that my mom isn't worried about whether or not they were children she raised or ones that married in or friends that have become attached to our crazy world along the way, she loves.  

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue

Teaching is just something that flows out of my mom, whether its quilting or cooking or canning or helping me know how to best teach my kids or maybe sometimes she just steps in helps when I hit the wall.... she teaches.  Mika has taken a quilt to state fair, because her Nana taught her and I canned salsa and tomatoes, because my Mom taught me.  And more than teaching to teach she has given me the desire to always be learning new things.  She didn't always quilt, she started when I was in college.  She is always inspiring us to learn.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, She can laugh at the days to come

My mom is a cancer survivor.  Its one of those things that once it happens, it begins to become attached to you.  She could be one of those pink ribbon wearers... but she doesn't like the pink ribbon.  She might have had a little pink ribbon overload for awhile.  But regardless she is a survivor.  And she taught us to survive long before cancer attacked her body.  She taught me to survive as a pastor's wife when it felt like everything was falling apart.  She reminded me that it is better to step back and trust Jesus and he is always worth all the junk.  She taught me how to survive when friendships hurt and when life was hard.  She taught me how to survive as a mom, when sleep was rare and kids were sick.  She has taught me how to survive when money was gone and budgets were tight.  And she taught all of us to survive when she was sick and we were scared and her response was not to pray that she would be healed but that she would grow in maturity and her song was "It is well with my soul."

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. he watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praised at the city gate. (Proverbs 31)

Fabulous Five Friday.... Rhythm

Last night after dinner, I asked each of the kids to choose one song they were working on and play it for all of us.  One of the kids started playing and I cringed inwardly.  I have been teaching piano out of these books since I was a freshman in college and I know this stuff.  So, my tricky little child that thought he could pull off his own re-write was suddenly disappointed.  Under my breath I mumbled to Paul, can you help him? and Paul said, I already tried and so I walked over to the piano and asked him if we could play the song together.  I sat next to him and I started playing with him and suddenly he was playing it perfectly.  I played a little accompaniment and he was sounding great, perfect in fact.... he was back in sync, his rhythm instantly improved.

For the last couple of months my rhythm has been completely off.  I have been piling more than I can handle onto my plate all because "it has to be done" or "if I don't do it who will" or "they won't like me if I say no" or "I don't want them to be disappointed in me".  All of this led to a mess, a tired, emotional, sick mess. But I think Jesus was a little like me with my son, he walked next to me and said, "why don't you play this with me, it'll sound AWESOME".  Jesus and I are working on this completely out of rhythm mess I have been living the last couple of months.  We have been trying to figure out what rhythms are important to my life and I've come up with FIVE that are my favorite. To be completely honest, I sorta think my whole life could totally rotate around reading and learning but I do have a few other faves that have nothing to do with either one of those.

1) Getting up in the quiet and pushing this little tiny button on a black machine which then produces a fabulous black liquid, pouring it into a cup and holding a steaming cup while I sit in my big brown recliner and read my Bible..... this equals an absolutely perfect quiet morning

2) Going for a run with Paul or a walk with a friend, this generally tops off my fabulous early mornings

3) Wednesday Mornings Paul gets doughnuts for the fam and leads our family in an amazingly fabulous time of worship... our kids love this ritual.

4) After the sun goes to bed, the kids and I snuggle onto the couch with an assortment of picture books and whichever chapter book we are currently reading.  Our series of choice for our bedtime reading is the Knights of Arethtrae series by Chuck Black, this series is totally worth checking out.

5) I have come to love the rhythm of school.  love doesn't say it..... LOVE comes closer.  I love the way we do school.  I love discussing history and reading the classics.  I love drawing atoms and reminding kids of those stinking phonics rules.  I love that one of my kids added to our Thanksgiving tree this morning that he is thankful for the Reformation and knows what happened 495 years and 2 days ago.  I love that he knows that that event had an impact on his life.  I love that my kids know which candidates they would vote for on Nov 6 and why.  One is undecided and the other two are very decided.  For all you fellow classical education freaks, it is my logic stage kid that is undecided... too many questions and not enough answers.

I'm learning remembering that my rhythm has to have space.  How many years of teaching piano have I said.... it is the silence surrounding the sound that makes the sound make sense.  Its the same for me, it is the silence around the noise that creates an awe inspiring melody.

The Sweetness of Obedience

I have some irrational fears.  Sometimes you just have to get it out, put it on paper and say.... my fears have been and continue to be irrational, but I had forgotten about one of them and God's deliverance until this morning.

This week I was reading  chapter four in The Story,  Deliverance, which is all about Moses and God's redemption of the Israelites.  I struggled with this chapter because I wanted something fresh, but this is a passage I have studied and taught on many times.  There were good things about it.... feeling like I was visiting with an old friend, one that I knew really well, one that I could finish her sentences, one that I knew her story and she knew mine.  But this week I wanted something fresh, something new.

In the story of Moses, the LORD comes to Moses in a burning bush.  Sadly, if we grew up in the church or have read Exodus a hundred times, it is easy to totally skip this, and not even think about the amazingness of this moment.  Its as if I see bushes on fire all the time, that aren't burning up.  I don't know about the bushes in your area but the bushes in Wyoming actually disintegrate when they are set on fire.

It gets even better. Moses goes to check out this bush that is on fire but not burning up and it calls his name... "Moses, Moses".  Have you ever had someone calling your name that you can't see?  Its alarming, you find yourself searching everywhere for this person and the more you can't find them, the more disturbing it becomes.

Poor alarmed Moses is standing next to a bush, that is on fire, but not burning up, that is calling his name and Moses actually answered.  His first introduction to God.  The LORD God and Moses proceed to have a conversation about the hardship of the Israelites and God's plan to deliver them and use Moses to do it.  During this conversation Moses says things like, "Who am I that you would use?", "Lets say I do this and they ask who you are, what do I do then?" and then finally, "Excuse me, but I have never been eloquent, neither in the past  nor in the present.  I am slow of speech and tongue."

As soon as I got to this part I had a hard time sticking with the rest of it, images flooded my brain of my past.  I was totally relating to Moses.... I hated to give speeches in class.  I would get nervous, couldn't eat, was sure that the world was going to mock me.  In college, I waited until my last semester to take speech.  It was literally the only class left for me to take.  And then I took it online so that I wouldn't have to give speeches to a class. I videoed myself and turned it in to the teacher.  In the syllabus one of the requirements was to give the speech to a small group of people and get their feedback.  Which I did for the first speech and I really stepped out of my comfort zone, I gave it to our staff at the church we were at, which happened to include my husband and my parents and a friend.  When I got my grade and re-watched the video I realized that my family and another staff member couldn't even be seen, so I decided for the rest of the semester I would just set the video camera up in the conference room and give it to the camera.

I'm just like Moses, I wanted a loop-hole out of speaking in front of people.  The thing is, it wasn't necessarily the speaking in front of people I was scared of, yes, my voice would shake, my stomach would be in knots, I would have way more adrenaline than I knew what to do with.  But that wasn't my fear.... my fear was "what if I mess up?"  "What if they think I'm terrible?"  I kinda think Moses may have been like that.  "What if I mess up my words, will the Pharaoh and his men laugh at me?"  Not only that,  but Moses was coming back as a wanted criminal (you should totally read the story in Exodus).  The thing I had to come to grips with, and that I struggle with every single day, is that only God can determine my usability, that is not for man to decide.  When I speak in front of people, its only for God.  Who would have known that God was preparing me and would use me to communicate His Story? Now because I love telling God's story, I have another struggle..... not letting it become about me.  When I care about the criticism, its because I care about how I look not rather or not I'm being obedient to God.

Ultimately, because of Moses' obedience he plays the leading role in one of the greatest rescues in history and is able to meet God face-to-face.  I want that!!!  I want to know the sweetness that comes with obedience.

Answered :)

Which of these cars is not like the others??? :)

On a serious note.... my kids are learning to pray.  They are learning to be patient when it feels like the answer you want just isn't coming.  

They have prayed for rain and specifically rain for the ranch.  They have prayed and prayed.  The youngest said to me, I know it will rain because I asked Jesus.  So, every time we see clouds in Torrington they get hopeful for rain at the ranch.  

But, it doesn't seem to come.  

But a week ago we were out at the ranch with the whole family eating lunch and dark clouds rolled in and the rain came and the kids celebrated!!! 

He answered!  It was tangible, they knew at that moment that they have a heavenly father that loves them and answers their prayers, even 2 month long prayers.

Anticipation

Its here... vacation time!  I have to repeat it because I almost can't believe it.... vacation time!  We are that dreaded couple that promises vacations to our kids but August roles around and we've been busy with camps and now we are busy getting ministries ready for the school year.  This year we decided that we would not be swayed... we are going on a vacation.  So tonight we leave and venture on a road trip extraordinaire.  There is adventure waiting around every corner and anticipation is building.  We will see the deepest canyon and the largest ocean and the most amazing bridge.  Superlatives will abound!!!!

Which makes me think... isn't this what my spiritual life is, a road trip extraordinaire.  There is adventure around every corner.  Jesus keeps begging me to join the adventure.  To see the deepest canyons and dip my toes in the largest ocean and walk along the most amazing bridges.  On this journey joy will be found, healing will come, and peace will reign.... superlatives will abound!  But I wait...I wait for the right time... I wait to be less tired, more awake... I wait for the kids to be more quiet... I wait for desire and then the lightbulb moment, just like I have to put the vacation on the calendar and prepare for it, I will have to put my spiritual journey on the calendar.  And anticipate all the amazing moments that will come.  To sit and lose myself in the presence of Jesus.

Singin' in The Rain

Okay, so its been HOT...I know its been HOT everywhere.  Last week we were heading into boredom, serious boredom.  The kind that makes you grumpy and lethargic and almost depressed.  The kids couldn't come up with anything they wanted to do, everything became like pulling teeth and then..... a miracle!

It rained and rained and rained! 

It cleaned out the cobwebs and renewed our creativity....

and our ability to be CRAZY....

and increased our JOY!!!!

We're singin', just singin' in the rain

Fabulous Favorite Friday... Prologue

In the prologue to Don Quixote, Cervantes tells the readers about some of the quirks and faults of his leading man.  It has lead me to think about what my prologue might sound like.  What quirks and faults would the author of my story feel compelled to address.  Would he explain to you why I'm quirky or how I came to be this way?  Who knows....

The author would most certainly tell you about the many cast of characters in my story.  He would most certainly start with my family, both immediate and extended.  He might even tell you about a day in July when some of the extended family got together to hike in the Bluffs behind the ranch and pick some chokecherries (so that we might have yummy jelly and syrup).  He would tell you about the laughter of children and the sarcasm of adults, the heat of the sun as they walked up onto the bluff and the cool of the cave, the sticky red chokecherries on fingers and the icepops after coming off the bluff.  Oh, what a story that would be.

Greet One Another

Mt Antero with 7 other women and 1seemingly random man

Since last fall I have planned on hiking Pikes Peak on June29th (the day before my birthday).  It was exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday climbing with a group of women and the tag on was a Beth Moore conference, which to be honest I could care less about.  I have this thing with band wagons.... I don't want to jump on and in my mind Beth Moore has been a Christian women band wagon.  Lots of women jump on but I don't see many of their lives being transformed... but more about that in another blog post, this is about my 14er experience.  

I spent all of the winter and spring working out and telling myself it was so that hiking Pikes Peak would be enjoyable.  It was the carrot dangling in front of me.  The Saturday before I came home from senior high camp at Maranatha sick but determined to get better and hike and then a couple of days later the dreaded text that Pikes was closed because of the fire on it. So we scrambled to find another peak in close proximity to the Springs because we still had tickets to Beth Moore.  On Tuesday, one minute we were saying no hike and the next somebody had found Antero near Buena Vista.   And we were off....

I could give you the blow by blow on the hike, but it wasn't very eventful.  Instead I'm going to tell you about Steve, the 1 random man in our picture.  When we were almost to the top a man greeted us with, "I didn't know I was going to meet up with 4 beautiful women today."  Which is quite the greeting when you're sweaty and tired and sitting on a pile of rocks waiting for the energy to summit.  We started talking to Steve and found out he was also a believer and suddenly we were all sharing our stories.  There was a new spring in our step as we ascended to the top.  After summiting and pictures and calling our spouses we sang How Great Thou Art with Steve.  What a great place to remember who the creator of all this beauty is,

Last April, my dad shared with my husband this little tidbit.... Greet One Another is the most common command in the New Testament.  So is it possible that this is what God desires of us, that as we sojourn through this life we greet one another.  And that as we greet one another we provide encouragement for the journey, a new spring comes into our step, it gets a little bit easier for the moment.  Steve was a great reminder of what happens when we take the time to greet one another.  You just never know what encouragement you might be able to bring their way OR what encouragement they will bring your way.  

It ended up being a great birthday weekend... hiking and Beth Moore.  You are just going to have to wait and see what I learned at Beth Moore.  This summer has been full of life lessons and joy as I have sojourned, and not to mention the pictures with my new camera :)  I can't wait to share them all with you!

The last of the bad pictures....

Check out my birthday present!

Worship....a Response

"When I can not stand, I'll fall on you" - Lord, I Need You, Nockels

I'm more likely to try to stand on my own, than fall onto Jesus.  I want to be a worshiper that chooses to fall on Jesus rather than stand on my own.

Music Lessons

Mika and I just got back from her choir trip to San Francisco to participate in the Heritage Festival.

It was so much fun to spend 6 days with my daughter and her friends.  And along the way we learned alot!!!!!

The JOURNEY is important... the first morning in San Francisco we traversed along the Great American Parkway in Santa Clara to Our Lady of Peace Shrine and Church to rehearse.  Of course it was early and after a long day, we would have loved to stay in bed but.....

PRACTICE is crucial.... you don't get the BEST things in life by laying around or only giving it a little bit.... you have to GIVE IT ALL!!!!!

FUN along the way is an ABSOLUTE.... we were able to do some really fun things on our journey to the festival

Pier 39

A's v. Yankees

There is a time to put your game face on.... which means HABITS are everything.

The kids took everything Mrs. Hultgren had taught them and performed beautifully. 

The adjudicator said, "Stellar" :)

FRIENDS make it all worth it and way more fun!

even for the moms :)

Knowing when to CELEBRATE... a well deserved HOORAY!!!!

REMEMBERING why you are here.... to sing, sing, sing!

Its important to know who the LEADER is .... I don't have any pictures of their faces, but this trip had two very important leaders.  Sometimes people get confused and want to take over, but this causes a bit of chaos.  But when one knows who the leader is and is willing to submit to that, things go a lot smoother.  Thanks Mrs. Hultgren and Mrs. Fritz. Planes would have been missed, outfits awry and they definitely wouldn't have sounded nearly as amazing without you.

And finally, it is important to know when to be an individual and when to be a TEAM..... choirs are interesting things.  These kids accomplished something that they could never accomplish as individuals, they had to be a team and rely on each other.  The entire time we were gone they had the opportunity to move and work as a team, whether it was getting out the door or to board a bus, or touring Alcatraz or singing or receiving their trophy.... they were a TEAM (whether they wanted to be or not :) and some kids admittedly had a very hard time being a part of the group)

I just have to add a little something about choirs, although the kids did a great job and it was a lot of fun to listen to them and watch people to react to them.  This has very little to do with them, they are a fined tuned instrument in the hands of their director.  she knows their strengths and weaknesses and through years of experience knows how to get the sound that makes jaws drop.  You might be surprised when you hear some of these kids sing on their own, it may not sound much different than the kids in your backseat.  But the kids have allowed themselves to be molded and have been willing to put aside their individual identity.  Most of them have put in time practicing and a lot have worked very hard.  The recipe of appreciating the journey, establishing habits that lead to success, good leadership, awesome teamwork and a willingness to submit will work every time.  Here's to the All City Children's Choir of Cheyenne, Wyoming thanks for all you taught me in 6 days!!!