A couple of weeks ago I was bombarded by this weakness inside of me. Every time I turned around I saw evidence of its stronghold in my life. This week I'm start making a list of the ways I struggle to let go.....
Appendix... I love the appendix of books, there are always so many treasures in the appendix, information that seems to only be for nerds like me... not for the ordinary individual that only wants what is in the primary text of the book. I love them so much that sometimes I read the appendix first, though I have been known to read magazines, journals, cookbooks, newspapers and some books backwards (not novels, but a lot of non-fiction). But the appendix that is attached to the intestines in the human body is another beast. I don't love it.....this organ (can you call it that? how is it categorized?) that allows the koala to eat eucalyptus leaves....maybe if I was a koala I would love it. But... I especially don't love it when it gets infected in the body of my husband when he is in a mountain village in southern Mexico. The middle of the night text that says... right-side pain, somethings wrong, what should i do... is not comforting. Suddenly, I found myself calling my mom...in tears. And of course I had people reminding me that it was just an appendix, not that big of a deal, could be much worse. But I found my heart wanting to control, to control the health of my husband, the circumstances under which he had his appendix out, I wanted CONTROL. I wanted to know that Paul would be okay, that he would come home healthy, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to not have to trust God as much as He was asking me to. And yet, I found my heart at peace for a time... through the crisis. The next day,the day I knew Paul was okay, I started the process of falling apart... of being an emotional wreck.... of wishing he wasn't going to come home and need to heal... of wishing a different experience for him. So, I start to see my pride, my attitude that said...."I've taken care of sick kids for 10 days and had barely any sleep and now I will have a husband to take care of." And I find myself with God on my knees wishing I could say something different, wishing I could say I trust you completely to meet my needs, to restore my strength and to bring me joy. Instead, once again I have to confess, I don't trust you enough, maybe not at all, to meet my needs, to be my strength, to be my joy, to watch over my family, to be in control of my journey. And God being the benevolent, generous God that he is, gives me amazing, good gifts.... I found more joy in serving my family, than I had in a long time. He gave me the strength and the passion to serve and love my family in deep places, not just on the surface but in the deep places that speaks to their souls deeply. I thought that week was maybe going to be written on my heart as a terrible, no good, horrible week, but God rewrote it, spoke grace over it, gave me a story, of strength and joy and trust, of intimacy and community and most of all..... of peace.
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