Good gifts..... Learning to Let Go.... Wounds

I'm wounded, I was wounded, I continue to be wounded.  I have been wounded by well-meaning people and not so well-meaning people.  I have allowed those wounds to control me.  I don't let wounds roll off my back.  Nope, there's no rolling.  They grow roots and start the process of spreading, spreading deep into my heart and from there spreading into my whole being.  A couple of years ago, I started the long hard process of pulling the weeds that had begun to spread from these roots, but I was pulling them like my kids pull weeds, just taking off the tops and not getting the whole ugly root.  And so, the roots spread, faster, harder, more furiously.  


About a year ago, I started to work at killing the roots.  That has been amazingly hard work, to stop the lies, to kill the words that have wound there way around my heart... I'm not good enough... if I could only be a better.... wife, mother, friend, daughter, and at different points in my life - pastor's wife .... if I could only be skinnier...have nicer clothes....have better words to say... Do you see these roots spreading...like crazy!!!!!  If you followed these roots down to the tips, you could find yourselves in some really dark places.  As God and I took the weed-wacker to my heart, I started to let go of the lies, to see God's light shining on the darkness in my heart.... but now today I can become surprised at what I'm not letting go of, the place I want control of..... there is this one person....this one person that wounded me deeply.... its been called abuse by professionals and not that big of a deal by friends.  Some days I find myself eagerly handing this person over to God, releasing him of the debt he owes me and giving him over to God.  But some days I don't really trust God to deal with it, I want to see results and as of yet, this person doesn't admit his culpability.  


I was taken off guard last week, the emotions sprung forth like an out of control fountain.  My son asked why I was crying.... how do you answer that? I found myself very angry, not with this man, but with the men who were supposed to be God's shepherds and protect his flock from men like this.  These men that still can't seem to protect God's flock from men like this.  And so I press into God and I press into my husband.  I trust them to lead me, to protect me and to walk with me.  I trust that God is not done with my heart, that there will be a place where this man's name will come up or the situation and I won't feel the hurt as profoundly. And I find myself forgiving these men, for not protecting me and my family, for blindly watching the bludgeoning in front of them and justifying it.  And I find God granting me peace and joy in these moments when I want to hold onto my wounds and hold people responsible for the wounds.  

I'm thankful for a God who grants me good gifts when I choose to let go.