Dear Friend,

Today, I was thinking about you, actually whenever someone asks me to tell my story - I think of you.  I think of sitting and chatting in your car or over coffee.  I think about serving together, worshiping together and learning together.  


But I don't think about growing together because I'm not sure we were actually real with each other.  How could we be? We were in a place where being the best you could be was valued and it was more important to challenge each others sin than to actually know each other.


One day our chatting stopped.  I thought it was because I wasn't worth anything to you anymore.  In all honesty I sort of felt used.  I had served with you and worked hard with you, but when my life circumstances changed that, the getting together stopped.  


But that wasn't the final blow to the relationship.  The final blow came when 
I didn't have the guts to stand with you.  I watched the whole community ostracize you and I wanted to step out and grab your hand, but I didn't know how.  Everyone around me said, she chose sin, she knew what she was doing, we must break fellowship with her.  But my heart kept saying, I don't know why this was her choice, but she is still one of us.  I feel hurt too, but I believe that she is a child of God, a saint.... a saint who is sinning, but still a saint!  


How I wished grace had been poured out, I wish grace had been poured out long ago, long before the sin, the junk, the mess.  What if long before we had stood together as saints who sin, not relying on our ability to challenge each other's sin but relying on God's grace to resolve the sin around us.  What if just for a second we had taken off our masks and revealed what lay behind them? Would it all have been different?  


But, its not different, it is a mess!  And it will continue to be a mess unless we can stop pretending, pretending that we have to look good to be a part of God's community, pretending that we are the only ones with issues, pretending that our abilities out rank God's grace, pretending that if we just muster up enough strength we can drag ourselves out of the pit, we can be better, we can be mature, we can make the right choices.  Maybe you had to get stuck in a pit so deep, so dark, so ugly that you could only rely on God's grace to get you out.  Maybe we are all kidding ourselves, if we don't believe that we also have to feel the darkness in ourselves before we can see the light of Christ.  


I'm starting to learn to rely on God's grace.  I'm trusting Him to transform me, and I'm trusting Him to transform others around me.  I'm realizing I don't make a very good barometer for other's issues, but Jesus, He is able to do it perfectly.  
I hope this letter finds you doing the same.  I hope that you have found hope and grace.  I pray for you often, that you will find a community where you can be yourself, that you will know forgiveness, that you will know that you are loved and maybe someday we will sit and have another cup of coffee. 

I want to Treasure Jesus and what He Treasures!

I just read this quote from the Truefaced guys, "Performance-obsessed cultures can never promote healing. Rather, they create more wounding." I was struck by how profound this statement is. I know the wounds of the performance-obsessed, from the extreme (in our puny little minds), adultery and porn addiction, to the benign (though not really benign), gossip and the need to fix those around us. But yet at any given moment we are all prone to fall into a mode of being performance driven. I notice that sometimes when my kids are doing something childish (imagine that - childish children) I start managing their behavior because I want them to look good because then I look good. Or sometimes I will say something, just because I know that someone around the table will think it is a really intelligent statement or really funny.

The dilemma is that although my children might look super on the outside they are as rebellious as ever on the inside, or maybe they aren't rebellious maybe they are content to please mom and change their behavior. But what if in changing their behavior they also start to believe that who they are isn't pleasing to me so they need to be something else - check out the wound I have just inflicted on their spirit. Or what if I create a mask so that when others see me they see an intelligent, put together, homeschooling mother of three with an impeccable sense of humor and one day I show up and my mask isn't on just right and they find out that I'm not all that intelligent or put together, and my humor falls short most of the time. I don't know about you but I have done my fair share of mask wearing and I have the scars to prove it.

And then I found out that Jesus isn't as interested in my performance as most of His followers are. I found out that He had already called me His own, so it doesn't matter if others want to disown me. He not only called me His own but He created me with a unique personality and He doesn't really want me to cover His workmanship with a mask. So, I'm on this journey to treasure Jesus, which flows over into treasuring what Jesus has declared His..... and that is you and me.

The "11" Procession

On May 5, our oldest turned 11....

Today you turn 11, to CELEBRATE we are going on a procession

What is a processions you ask?

A procession is when you move along in a succession.

Your procession will have "11" sessions.

When you have completed a session of your succession

You will get a suggestion that will lead to the next session.

During each session you and your companions 

will need to create a composition of your version of your excursion, 

which will record your procession

You will also need to make a visual representation of your impression of your procession

1. You will need this to complete your journey.  Fill it with each suggestion but don't forget to leave room for your compositions and visual representations.

2. It is possible your might desire a libation

3. Where might you go for an accumulation of possessions you might want to acquisition?

4. The coiffure on the capitulum of your effigy is perilously pernicious.  Lets see if we can rectify the situation.

5. Are you impassioned for crimson ammunition?

6. A benefaction for your accumulation of your treasures

7. Would you like to peruse the emporium?

8. How about a presentation of largess?

9. We've come to a time in our procession where we now have a question.... what next, you may ask?  one word....esplanade

10.  You have been cavorting and frolicking.  You may need a restorative consolation, which will hopefully bring inspiration.

11. It is the terminus of our procession.  Which makes me think you might want your last contribution and maybe give your companions an indication of your gratification in their accompaniment on your procession. 

Gray to Blue

Yesterday, I woke up and my blank page was immediately splashed with lemon yellow, the surprise of the bright sun, the energy of a good workout.  I felt strong, energized, ready for anything.

This morning my page started out gray, overcast, and foggy.  I felt overwhelmed before I even began.  I stumbled towards the coffee pot and grabbed a book.  I needed to wake up gently.  And then something began to happen as I sat reading about transformation.  I began to feel the arms of my heavenly Father wrap around me and gently pull me into His lap.  He invited me to pour out my heart, my fears, my insecurities.  I found myself harboring inadequacies and frustration.  And then it came, the flood of tears, transforming the gray into a brilliant blue.  My Father being the gracious Father that he is, didn’t stop there, he brought in his Son and let him take over.  His Son grabbed my face and looked straight into my eyes, piercing the armor of my heart, the shell that encased my soul.  The brilliance of the Son brought warmth and joy, making my heart ready....  Ready to proclaim the love of my Savior to my family, my neighbors, my community.... Ready to climb the mountain that this life seems to be..... Ready to accept transformation into my being....Ready to return to the comfort of his Spirit...guiding me, comforting me, walking this journey with me.

Blank

I wake up to a blank page.  What will today bring?  What will I do?   How will I feel?  What will I choose to fill my day with, what will I leave behind?  I don't know, but it sounds like fun!  

Good morning world!

S P A C E

I need space.  I crave space.  I long for space, in my surroundings, in my heart, in my mind.....  I was created to long for great open spaces to roam.  When my mind starts to get crowded I look for a place to wander.  I can wander about anywhere, the library, Barnes and Noble, Target, the park, my house, a book, music.  My first instinct is to bolt and my next to wander.  I feel this when relationships start crowding, when people are constant, when the house is continually cluttered, when the schedule is too full.

I blame this on my childhood (it always seems to be a good place to start, doesn't everyone blame their childhood).  I grew up with a lot of freedom to roam and be free.  I spent most of my early childhood on my grandparents ranch and my middle childhood in a quaint small town.  On the ranch, I pretended to be surviving the prairie on my own, sometimes as a pioneer girl and sometimes as a Native American.  When my body was tired of wandering, my mind found itself wandering in a book.  My elementary years allowed me the freedom to wander and explore a town.  I would go to my friends, the pool, the butcher (he had grape soda in the fridge), the library, Ben Franklins (who knows when the urge to buy lip gloss will come upon you), my dads office, and the mini mart (once again for soda and candy).

I often wonder, do I love Wyoming because I love space, or do I love space because I grew up in Wyoming.  Wyoming is physically about space but it is also emotionally about space, its probably even intellectually about space and I know its politically about space.  Space is everywhere, the unencumbered sky, the hills, the mountains, the canyons, the prairies.  There's space to be an individual, space to be an intellectual, space to be an artist, space to hide, space to get lost, space to scream at the top of your lungs, space to run, space to be known.  If there isn't space, the wind carves out space, freeing the world of distraction.

I'm trying to curb my spontaneous need to wander by creating space in my life.  Space that allows me to wander, space that protects me from wanting to bolt out the door, space that allows me to be creative, space that allows me to enter deeper into relationship and love, space that clears the cobwebs of my mind. I'm trying to embrace space when it comes and carve it out when its no where to be seen.  Because in the space I am unhindered, uncrowded, unencumbered.  I can think freely, create spontaneously, love extravagantly, sing loudly, serve unhindered.

I create space not only because I need it, but my family needs it.  Benji is so similar to me, extroverted, but needs space from people.  When his space has been invaded he hides, sometimes physically, but always emotionally.  Malaki when he needs space, he bolts and doesn't wander, just bolts.  I can't protect my children if I'm not offering them space.  Mika, she doesn't need quite as much space, probably because she guards her heart a little more closely, but when she needs space and there is none to be found she is like a caged lion.  She paces and roars, until somebody remembers to unlock her cage and let her roam.  She can roam through her sketch book or play with legos for hours, creating and creating and creating.  Space for her always equals being creative.   AND I create space because it is one of the best ways to LOVE my husband.  To give him time to create, to nap, to read, to hike, or to just do nothing, its in these moments that he is the most him, the most connected to his family and his creator.

Today is a day full of space.  I will write for awhile, wander somewhere for awhile,  hang out with my family. Maybe we'll play games, maybe we'll read, maybe we'll create with legos or paint.  Sadly, we will not be exploring the great outdoors, today the Wyoming wind is also using this opportunity to create space.  Who knows what we will do, but at the end of the day, we will feel free of the clutter of this world.

Because You Asked

I was asked by a friend what my top 10 books were, as I thought about it I had to expand the list to my top 25.  I have categorized the books (very loosely) according to the areas of my life that have been affected by these books.  As I thought about this, the dilemma I faced was that lots of these books have had an impact on many areas of my life, but for your benefit, I'm trying to put them into a box.  Also, this is sort of a brainstorming activity for me.  It is possible, that if asked next week, I would have a different list.  :)  Hopefully, you will find a new book by looking at my list and I would love to hear what some of your all time favorite books are.


Education/ Homeschooling
A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver DeMille
Leadership Education by Oliver DeMille
Home Education by Charlotte Mason
The Well-Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer
The Everyday Genius by Peter Kline

Parenting & Marriage
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge
Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas
Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham

Spirituality
The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris
Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton
Instruments in a Redeemer's Hand by Paul David Tripp
The Sense of the Call by Marva Dawn
A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Fiction
Green Dolphin Street by Elizabeth Goudge
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Joy in the Morning by Betty Smith
The Poisonwood bible by Barbara Kingsolver
My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok

Read Alouds (for books to make this list, I had to love it and the kids had to love it)
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
The Rise and Fall of Mount Majestic by Jennifer Trafton
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Eight Cousins by Louisa May Alcott