I have a few buttons that I’m working on but one of them is completely ridiculous. I know a kiddo that when he walks down the hall or through a room he pushes or shoves in an attempt for physical contact. He wants physical proximity to us but he doesn’t know how to achieve that appropriately. I don’t love being run into.
When I was in 7th grade, there was this 8th grade boy that insisted that the waters of the red sea of middle schoolers part for him. If they didn’t, he just walked into them. In my 7th grade girl brain this kid was huge and overwhelming. But also in my Cristine brain I said, nobody runs over me. Thus I ran into him. This started to play itself out in my home. Apparently, I can revert back to 7th grade and run into my kid. Just because my brain says that nobody runs over me.
I’m sure you are thinking, this is ridiculous and probably didn’t end well. This wasn’t playful and fun, this was me reminding my kid that nobody runs over me. This is going on in our house as I am also saying that strong relationships are built on trust and not on dominance. (Please tell me that you are laughing at the irony of this).
But seriously I wanted to dominate. It was total ick! I was ashamed and heartbroken but my brain in all its pride still justified itself by saying, "nobody runs over me."
You probably already guessed it, but we are now both walking down the hall (my very tight, small hall) saying, "nobody runs over me."
I do the only rational thing, I start to teach him how to walk down halls properly so as not to bump into people. I haven’t dealt with his need or my button but I’m going to throw hall-walking rules onto it. This lasts for awhile and it's just tense and stupid.
One day I have the aha moment, the clarity that says, "What if you just let it be? What if he just wants physical contact with you and because he didn’t get that in his early years, he will do it by whatever means necessary."
As soon as I eliminated my button through empathy for his background and my makeup, I eliminated the tension of the hallway. I don’t even know if he bumps into me anymore, because when he does it's okay. Sometimes when I pass him, I just reminded him that I love him, or that I think he is really cool or really strong or super handsome or amazingly responsible, or awesomely respectful or I just remind him that he is my son and that is enough.
Figuring out our buttons and untangling those knots is seriously hard work, but 100 percent worth it and the key to showing empathy to our kids.
Empathy is by far the best parenting strategy that I have found, when I use empathy we all win. When I use control or shame or guilt, we all lose BIG TIME.
The Incarnation teaches us how to be empathetic. Jesus comes to us, his children from hard places and walks in our humanity. The New Testament tells us that Jesus faced EVERYTHING we face. He knows every hard place and every temptation because he chose humanity.
Following Jesus' example, I can choose to enter into my kid's hard places. I can bring peace and breathe life into their souls. I can bring light to the dark places and love them in the unlovable places.
Empathy gives our kids the awareness to understand their own emotional life and the skills to cope with it. Maybe that is what Jesus did for us, he gave us a new awareness of what it means to be human and the skills to cope with it.
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