Am I Ready For This

About  a month ago I was reading through 1 Samuel... a book full of drama.  Here's a little bit of what is going on....Saul is the first king of the Israelites. Sounds prestigious, but really its Plan B.  God was supposed to be his people's king, but like most of us they wanted to be like everyone else.  They looked around at the other nations who had kings and they wanted to be just like them.  Saul looks like a good leader on the outside but over time his heart became hardened towards his own sin.  He didn't respond with humility when he was presented with his sin.  He was the master of justifying his actions.  And then the nail in the coffin... he liked to take shortcuts.  God had given the Israelites rules about worship and sacrifice, but Saul grows impatient and disregards God's rules.  Once again he makes an excuse and God has to remind him that his obedience is more important than his sacrifice.  (FYI...don't mess with God!) God's response to Saul is to take away his power and support.  Saul becomes a tyrannical king that is haunted by bouts of anxiety and depression.  When the anxiety hits and he is unable to sleep, he is lulled to sleep by a shepherd boy, named David, who happens to play a mean harp.  On a side note... I love what God does here, he introduces David into the story and places him in the service of Saul. Its just one of those parts of God's story that makes me smile with amazement.

Initially, David is trusted by Saul, but when it becomes clear that David is who God has chosen to lead his people Saul turns on David.  Saul starts to hunt David, getting rid of David becomes his obsession.  But David has become best friends with Jonathan, Saul's son, and has married Michal, Saul's daughter.  Their lives are intertwined, Saul can't get away from David and David can't get away from Saul.   For part of the book, David hides from Saul in a cave, acts like a crazy man, and has the opportunity to kill Saul and chooses not to.  In the final chapter, Saul and Jonathan are killed in a battle with the Philistines. The End.

I laid down my Bible and thought about the end of the book.  Honestly, I was saddened that Jonathan had died with his father.  Jonathan seemed so noble, and his father so wicked. Then I start on 2 Samuel and I'm amazed... David mourns for both Saul and Jonathan.  Right in chapter one it starts with him honoring BOTH men and writing them a song.  He honors his enemy and his best friend.  He could have mourned for Jonathan and had a party to celebrate the end of Saul.  But he doesn't, he gives him honor and respect.  He humbly speaks of the good things about Saul and doesn't even mention the bad things.  I'm not sure I have that kind of character.  I'm not sure that deep down I would be grieved and willing to honor an enemy such as Saul.

I keep asking myself, Am I ready for this.... for God to change my heart, to become a woman that responds with humility and grace.  I have to be willing to see my own sin and respond with grace.  Pretending it didn't happen, justifying it with all kinds of mumbo-jumbo creates a big mess... David knew this, he waited it out in a cave.  I have had times where I felt like I was waiting it out in a cave, the darkness creeping in all around me.  The sin of others can do a number on us, on our hearts and on our emotions, but this passage beckons me to think about how my sin has influenced others.  Have they felt like they were waiting out my tirade?

Am I ready... I don't know but I'm laying the hurt aside, confessing my own sin and ultimately trusting God.  I'm jumping into the deep waters of His grace, letting it surround me and move me into His presence.