My Mommy Life - Knots

I would be a better mom if I could get rid of the knots inside me, the things that trigger me and make me crazy. I would offer greater wider spaces for grace if I knew that space for myself. I know this because of the knots already untangled, the shame already put to rest, the space for grace already offered.

I have found it to be consistently true that people who have dealt with their own shame are less likely to shame others. I have also found it to be true that those who have found wide open spaces of grace are able to offer those to others.

The difficulty is... how do I do the hard work of untangling? 

Once upon a time, I cross-stitched and once upon a time, I crocheted. If you know me, you may be giggling right now because these are detail oriented operations. There is counting and special stitches and ridiculous hours of hand cramps and neck aches but I did it because the mature women around me did it. It was possible that this would be the key to my maturity. Both of these activities nearly always required me to untangle knots.  Maybe this is why these women were mature, they had the patience to find and untangle the knots. They knew which knots to cut and start over and which knots could be easily untangled. 

I’m now looking at the handiwork of my life and trying to decipher the same thing.  I know that some knots need to be completely cut away and I need to let go and start over.  Others can be easily untangled, it’ll take time, patience and energy but over time the knot will be freed and the thread ready to stitch something beautiful.  I want something beautiful...not something crazy...not something triggered, but something full of grace and exquisitely beautiful.  

As I ponder the nature of knots, I recognize that they have some wisdom to lend me.  The process of untangling emotional and long-held-onto-belief knots is very similar to the process of untangling physical knots.

First, follow the string. What was I feeling before I snapped, lost it, went crazy and flipped my lid? Emotions are crazy destructible magnetic little buggers. They attach themselves to the wrong things and place blame in unlikely places. For example, one morning I may realize that our money in our food budget has been spent for the month but we still have a week left and at the same time one of my children is disrespectful. I am likely to blame my frustration on my child’s disrespect when the real culprit is my anxiety about money issues.

Second, ponder, get curious. Why would it be that this would cause me anxiety? Is there something in my past that leads me to believe that this is worthy of being angry, scared, anxious or nervous over?

Third, tell yourself the truth.  "I want my kids to do what I say when I say it.  My need for control is not their problem and not worth hurting our relationship."

Finally, fix what you broke and start making something beautiful out of the untangled knot.  Say you are sorry to people who were hurt by your emotional outburst or silent treatment and move on.

I know that being a better mom, means dealing with my own junk.  This is hard work and the harder our kids are the more aware we have to be about the knots in our lives.  I'm working on untangling, how about you?