Fear is a BULLY

Last weekend we went to one of our very favorite places, Vedauwoo.  My 6 year old was super excited when we got there, he was going to climb the highest rock and scale the steepest surface.  But suddenly, without warning he was frozen and proclaiming to the world that he was going to die.  There are places at Vedauwoo where this an absolutely logical fear, he just wasn’t in one of those places.  He was probably about 6 feet up and surrounded by boulders to help him make his way down the 6 feet.  But all he could mumble over and over was how he felt like he was going to die.  The prodding of his mom didn’t help, the goading of his sister didn’t help, and the motivating of his aunt didn’t help.  Eventually, his sister picked him up and handed him to her boyfriend to carry down.  To get past his fear he needed something or someone to move him.  Fear does that, it causes us to stop and become illogically frozen.  Often this happens in a place that we really wanted to be in.

I, too, know fear.  I have had this dream, this dream that I keep massaging and manipulating and pondering but never doing.  I dream of writing, and blogging and speaking.  I did what one is supposed to do when they have dreams, I made a goal.  By September 1, 2018 I was going to have a more professional looking blog.  I don’t.  I don’t because I can’t make myself sit down to design it.  Why would I have a goal that I cannot make myself sit down and do?  Because I’m living in the land of procrastination, the land where fear overgrows its space and traps emotions and actions and keeps them from moving.  Whether I want to or not, it is time to dig deep into myself and ask what I am so afraid of...

I am afraid of not writing anything worth reading.  What if my writing is ordinary and just like everyone else and nobody wants to read it?

I am afraid of being a fraud and not really being an expert in anything.  And even more disturbing, to be called out in my lack of expertise.

I am afraid of not making time.  It’s easier to spin out of control in the busyness of nothingness than to really set aside the time to observe life and think deeply, to be thoughtful about my life and those around me and observe the patterns that emerge.

I am afraid of being vulnerable and writing IS vulnerable. Enough said.

To my fear I say, you don’t get to bully me anymore.  I am posting an imperfect blog on my imperfect site.  I am setting aside time and taking the leap.  To you reading this, you have permission to ask what I am writing and where I am speaking and how my new blog is coming.  And when my vulnerability causes me to want to freak out, I’ll smile and tell you what I am doing and thank you for asking, because fear doesn’t get to be a bully in my life anymore.