O Little Town

This week I experienced the best and the worst of small town living.  The way we care for each other and have each other's back.  At the same time, the way we think we know each other more than we do and what is going on people's lives without really actually knowing.  The spreading of rumors like wildfire and the way people defend each other and carry each other's burdens.

This small town craziness had me pondering the town that Jesus was born into.  I bet it was a lot like this, beautiful and ugly.  There was probably the resident rumor spreader, the pre-Facebook, as well as, the defenders of justice, the carers of the poor and the carriers of burdens.      

It turns out that archaeologists predict that Bethlehem had about 300 people.  Luke tells us that people had to return to their ancestral town to be counted.  I wonder if the town ended up looking something like our little town during the eclipse, people camping in the parks, in people's pastures, naked Germans sunbathing on RVs and people staying with strangers.  Or maybe it was a lot like a long TSA line at the airport, where suddenly you know the stories of the people around you, as if you were all traveling together.

Was this the Bethlehem that Mary and Joseph walked into?  Of course there isn't room, the town is overflowing and about to explode.  And the townspeople are all a buzz talking about what is going on down at the market or the pregnant woman that just appeared ready to give birth.  But there are also those people that just can't help but do good, maybe these are the people that were on the road with Mary and Joseph.  They see the very pregnant woman and her unsure husband and they step into help.

I don't know what happened, none of us do. But I love that when the Bible tells us that Jesus experienced all that we did, it includes this, small town politics and small town situations.  That is something I can relate to.

What I do know, is that night, light came.  A light that was promised to chase away the dark and bring peace and hope and justice to a dark world.

Parenting 101: Empathy

Awhile back I was listening to Kristen Berry on the Honestly Adoption Podcast. Someone had commented that their kid was pushing their buttons. She replied, “Make your button smaller”. She went on to talk about how the buttons that get pushed are ours. Our kids do learn our buttons, but the thing we can do is make our buttons smaller. 

I have a few buttons that I’m working on but one of them is completely ridiculous. I know a kiddo that when he walks down the hall or through a room he pushes or shoves in an attempt for physical contact. He wants physical proximity to us but he doesn’t know how to achieve that appropriately. I don’t love being run into. 

When I was in 7th grade, there was this 8th grade boy that insisted that the waters of the red sea of middle schoolers part for him.  If they didn’t, he just walked into them. In my 7th grade girl brain this kid was huge and overwhelming. But also in my Cristine brain I said, nobody runs over me. Thus I ran into him. This started to play itself out in my home.   Apparently, I can revert back to 7th grade and run into my kid.  Just because my brain says that nobody runs over me. 

I’m sure you are thinking, this is ridiculous and probably didn’t end well. This wasn’t playful and fun, this was me reminding my kid that nobody runs over me. This is going on in our house as I am also saying that strong relationships are built on trust and not on dominance.  (Please tell me that you are laughing at the irony of this).  

But seriously I wanted to dominate. It was total ick! I was ashamed and heartbroken but my brain in all its pride still justified itself by saying, "nobody runs over me." 

You probably already guessed it, but we are now both walking down the hall (my very tight, small hall) saying, "nobody runs over me." 

I do the only rational thing, I start to teach him how to walk down halls properly so as not to bump into people. I haven’t dealt with his need or my button but I’m going to throw hall-walking rules onto it. This lasts for awhile and it's just tense and stupid. 

One day I have the aha moment, the clarity that says, "What if you just let it be? What if he just wants physical contact with you and because he didn’t get that in his early years, he will do it by whatever means necessary." 

As soon as I eliminated my button through empathy for his background and my makeup, I eliminated the tension of the hallway. I don’t even know if he bumps into me anymore, because when he does it's okay. Sometimes when I pass him, I just reminded him that I love him, or that I think he is really cool or really strong or super handsome or amazingly responsible, or awesomely respectful or I just remind him that he is my son and that is enough. 

Figuring out our buttons and untangling those knots is seriously hard work, but 100 percent worth it and the key to showing empathy to our kids.

Empathy is by far the best parenting strategy that I have found, when I use empathy we all win.  When I use control or shame or guilt, we all lose BIG TIME.

The Incarnation teaches us how to be empathetic.  Jesus comes to us, his children from hard places and walks in our humanity.  The New Testament tells us that Jesus faced EVERYTHING we face.  He knows every hard place and every temptation because he chose humanity.

Following Jesus' example, I can choose to enter into my kid's hard places.  I can bring peace and breathe life into their souls.  I can bring light to the dark places and love them in the unlovable places. 

Empathy gives our kids the awareness to understand their own emotional life and the skills to cope with it.  Maybe that is what Jesus did for us, he gave us a new awareness of what it means to be human and the skills to cope with it.