You Can't Have It All...

For years I have preached this..... You Can't Have It All.  But as usual it seemed to only touch the things in my life I wanted it to.  I thought I did a pretty good job at being okay with not having it all. And then this morning I heard myself saying to myself..... I can't believe you didn't get a workout in, you should have gotten up earlier.  This is my perpetual conversation.... you should have gotten up earlier.  And then it occurred to me, I believe I can have it all.  My “all” looks different than it used to but once again I believe that I can have it all.  I believe that I can….

Workout

Read my Bible

Read enough literature to satisfy my longing

Homeschool my children

Take Mika to choir

Hang out with friends

Take trips to visit friends

Eat no processed food

Buy only organic ingredients

Have a clean house

Do fun projects with my kids

Do house projects

Not have dirty dishes on my counter

Teach my kids piano

Get enough sleep

Spend time with my husband

Love my husband

Have people over

Serve my church community

Write a blog

Have a hobby, maybe photography

And the list goes on…. I want it all… all good things but somehow all these good things aren’t fitting into my life.  The last couple of weeks I have found myself feeling like a pop bottle all shaken up ready for somebody to unscrew the lid and explode all over.  I may have to make some decisions, I might have to decide what it is I can have and let go of the stuff that just isn’t fitting. 

Last night I asked my very wise husband how I should handle this, how do I relieve the pressure, how do I let it go.  And he said speak about it, be real about your struggle, breathe it out and breathe God in.  So out it goes like a very large exhale, as if someone just knocked the wind out of me and in comes God with a gasp of longing, filling my lungs with new air.

60!

Sometimes a birthday must be taken note of and this is just one of those birthdays!  Sometimes it must be taken note of because of the amount of years lived and sometimes because of the person. This birthday is both.  It was one of those numbers you stop and celebrate, and it was my mom.  60 days ago we celebrated with family pictures (taken by the fabulous Vonnie), lobster rolls, bbq beef and hotdogs (I think we covered all the bases... Maine, Nebraska, kids).  Malaki wrote in his journal that week, "Tomorrow is Nana's birthday.  We will have lobster and hotdogs."  Its exciting stuff!!!  

And since my Dad has not even attempted to keep my mom's age hidden on facebook, I'm not even going to try and pretend to hide it.  When Malaki was writing in his journal and we were talking about Nana's age, Benji jumped in and said, "Why do you keep saying she's going to be 60 years old, why don't you say she's going to be 60 years young."  Maybe my mom has been pulling Benji aside and training him or maybe he's just that sweet.  

The thing is, birthdays are one thing but the person is another.  And birthdays often give us those moments to reflect on the life of the person.  So I was thinking about my mom and who she is and what she has given us.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy

It sorta just goes without saying, its so who she is that its hard to even to expound upon.  She has given her whole life to the calling Jesus has given her and has loved him.  Whether its loving His church or caring for the homeless, she has served.  If you asked any of the children in the church whether or not my mom loves them, they wouldn't have a hard time saying yes.  She is not only teaching them about Jesus but she is being Jesus.  Not only that, but she makes time to get away with Jesus...sometimes I think its just an excuse to go to Starbucks or Panera :)  

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life

My mom loves my dad and maybe second to loving Jesus that is the best gift she's ever given me!!!  She isn't surprised at his antics and I think she kinda likes it, even though the rest of us think, "you wrote what on facebook".  In his eyes, she is still the college girl with long blonde hair and they are still passing notes and he's still the college guy in red sneakers that's making her laugh.  

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

My mom loves her family, whether its sitting and listening or serving them, she loves.  I love watching her love my kids and I love the way she knows them.  I love that my mom isn't worried about whether or not they were children she raised or ones that married in or friends that have become attached to our crazy world along the way, she loves.  

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue

Teaching is just something that flows out of my mom, whether its quilting or cooking or canning or helping me know how to best teach my kids or maybe sometimes she just steps in helps when I hit the wall.... she teaches.  Mika has taken a quilt to state fair, because her Nana taught her and I canned salsa and tomatoes, because my Mom taught me.  And more than teaching to teach she has given me the desire to always be learning new things.  She didn't always quilt, she started when I was in college.  She is always inspiring us to learn.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, She can laugh at the days to come

My mom is a cancer survivor.  Its one of those things that once it happens, it begins to become attached to you.  She could be one of those pink ribbon wearers... but she doesn't like the pink ribbon.  She might have had a little pink ribbon overload for awhile.  But regardless she is a survivor.  And she taught us to survive long before cancer attacked her body.  She taught me to survive as a pastor's wife when it felt like everything was falling apart.  She reminded me that it is better to step back and trust Jesus and he is always worth all the junk.  She taught me how to survive when friendships hurt and when life was hard.  She taught me how to survive as a mom, when sleep was rare and kids were sick.  She has taught me how to survive when money was gone and budgets were tight.  And she taught all of us to survive when she was sick and we were scared and her response was not to pray that she would be healed but that she would grow in maturity and her song was "It is well with my soul."

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. he watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praised at the city gate. (Proverbs 31)

Fabulous Five Friday.... Rhythm

Last night after dinner, I asked each of the kids to choose one song they were working on and play it for all of us.  One of the kids started playing and I cringed inwardly.  I have been teaching piano out of these books since I was a freshman in college and I know this stuff.  So, my tricky little child that thought he could pull off his own re-write was suddenly disappointed.  Under my breath I mumbled to Paul, can you help him? and Paul said, I already tried and so I walked over to the piano and asked him if we could play the song together.  I sat next to him and I started playing with him and suddenly he was playing it perfectly.  I played a little accompaniment and he was sounding great, perfect in fact.... he was back in sync, his rhythm instantly improved.

For the last couple of months my rhythm has been completely off.  I have been piling more than I can handle onto my plate all because "it has to be done" or "if I don't do it who will" or "they won't like me if I say no" or "I don't want them to be disappointed in me".  All of this led to a mess, a tired, emotional, sick mess. But I think Jesus was a little like me with my son, he walked next to me and said, "why don't you play this with me, it'll sound AWESOME".  Jesus and I are working on this completely out of rhythm mess I have been living the last couple of months.  We have been trying to figure out what rhythms are important to my life and I've come up with FIVE that are my favorite. To be completely honest, I sorta think my whole life could totally rotate around reading and learning but I do have a few other faves that have nothing to do with either one of those.

1) Getting up in the quiet and pushing this little tiny button on a black machine which then produces a fabulous black liquid, pouring it into a cup and holding a steaming cup while I sit in my big brown recliner and read my Bible..... this equals an absolutely perfect quiet morning

2) Going for a run with Paul or a walk with a friend, this generally tops off my fabulous early mornings

3) Wednesday Mornings Paul gets doughnuts for the fam and leads our family in an amazingly fabulous time of worship... our kids love this ritual.

4) After the sun goes to bed, the kids and I snuggle onto the couch with an assortment of picture books and whichever chapter book we are currently reading.  Our series of choice for our bedtime reading is the Knights of Arethtrae series by Chuck Black, this series is totally worth checking out.

5) I have come to love the rhythm of school.  love doesn't say it..... LOVE comes closer.  I love the way we do school.  I love discussing history and reading the classics.  I love drawing atoms and reminding kids of those stinking phonics rules.  I love that one of my kids added to our Thanksgiving tree this morning that he is thankful for the Reformation and knows what happened 495 years and 2 days ago.  I love that he knows that that event had an impact on his life.  I love that my kids know which candidates they would vote for on Nov 6 and why.  One is undecided and the other two are very decided.  For all you fellow classical education freaks, it is my logic stage kid that is undecided... too many questions and not enough answers.

I'm learning remembering that my rhythm has to have space.  How many years of teaching piano have I said.... it is the silence surrounding the sound that makes the sound make sense.  Its the same for me, it is the silence around the noise that creates an awe inspiring melody.