I need space. I crave space. I long for space, in my surroundings, in my heart, in my mind..... I was created to long for great open spaces to roam. When my mind starts to get crowded I look for a place to wander. I can wander about anywhere, the library, Barnes and Noble, Target, the park, my house, a book, music. My first instinct is to bolt and my next to wander. I feel this when relationships start crowding, when people are constant, when the house is continually cluttered, when the schedule is too full.
I blame this on my childhood (it always seems to be a good place to start, doesn't everyone blame their childhood). I grew up with a lot of freedom to roam and be free. I spent most of my early childhood on my grandparents ranch and my middle childhood in a quaint small town. On the ranch, I pretended to be surviving the prairie on my own, sometimes as a pioneer girl and sometimes as a Native American. When my body was tired of wandering, my mind found itself wandering in a book. My elementary years allowed me the freedom to wander and explore a town. I would go to my friends, the pool, the butcher (he had grape soda in the fridge), the library, Ben Franklins (who knows when the urge to buy lip gloss will come upon you), my dads office, and the mini mart (once again for soda and candy).
I often wonder, do I love Wyoming because I love space, or do I love space because I grew up in Wyoming. Wyoming is physically about space but it is also emotionally about space, its probably even intellectually about space and I know its politically about space. Space is everywhere, the unencumbered sky, the hills, the mountains, the canyons, the prairies. There's space to be an individual, space to be an intellectual, space to be an artist, space to hide, space to get lost, space to scream at the top of your lungs, space to run, space to be known. If there isn't space, the wind carves out space, freeing the world of distraction.
I'm trying to curb my spontaneous need to wander by creating space in my life. Space that allows me to wander, space that protects me from wanting to bolt out the door, space that allows me to be creative, space that allows me to enter deeper into relationship and love, space that clears the cobwebs of my mind. I'm trying to embrace space when it comes and carve it out when its no where to be seen. Because in the space I am unhindered, uncrowded, unencumbered. I can think freely, create spontaneously, love extravagantly, sing loudly, serve unhindered.
I create space not only because I need it, but my family needs it. Benji is so similar to me, extroverted, but needs space from people. When his space has been invaded he hides, sometimes physically, but always emotionally. Malaki when he needs space, he bolts and doesn't wander, just bolts. I can't protect my children if I'm not offering them space. Mika, she doesn't need quite as much space, probably because she guards her heart a little more closely, but when she needs space and there is none to be found she is like a caged lion. She paces and roars, until somebody remembers to unlock her cage and let her roam. She can roam through her sketch book or play with legos for hours, creating and creating and creating. Space for her always equals being creative. AND I create space because it is one of the best ways to LOVE my husband. To give him time to create, to nap, to read, to hike, or to just do nothing, its in these moments that he is the most him, the most connected to his family and his creator.
Today is a day full of space. I will write for awhile, wander somewhere for awhile, hang out with my family. Maybe we'll play games, maybe we'll read, maybe we'll create with legos or paint. Sadly, we will not be exploring the great outdoors, today the Wyoming wind is also using this opportunity to create space. Who knows what we will do, but at the end of the day, we will feel free of the clutter of this world.
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