I have some irrational fears. Sometimes you just have to get it out, put it on paper and say.... my fears have been and continue to be irrational, but I had forgotten about one of them and God's deliverance until this morning.
This week I was reading chapter four in The Story, Deliverance, which is all about Moses and God's redemption of the Israelites. I struggled with this chapter because I wanted something fresh, but this is a passage I have studied and taught on many times. There were good things about it.... feeling like I was visiting with an old friend, one that I knew really well, one that I could finish her sentences, one that I knew her story and she knew mine. But this week I wanted something fresh, something new.
In the story of Moses, the LORD comes to Moses in a burning bush. Sadly, if we grew up in the church or have read Exodus a hundred times, it is easy to totally skip this, and not even think about the amazingness of this moment. Its as if I see bushes on fire all the time, that aren't burning up. I don't know about the bushes in your area but the bushes in Wyoming actually disintegrate when they are set on fire.
It gets even better. Moses goes to check out this bush that is on fire but not burning up and it calls his name... "Moses, Moses". Have you ever had someone calling your name that you can't see? Its alarming, you find yourself searching everywhere for this person and the more you can't find them, the more disturbing it becomes.
Poor alarmed Moses is standing next to a bush, that is on fire, but not burning up, that is calling his name and Moses actually answered. His first introduction to God. The LORD God and Moses proceed to have a conversation about the hardship of the Israelites and God's plan to deliver them and use Moses to do it. During this conversation Moses says things like, "Who am I that you would use?", "Lets say I do this and they ask who you are, what do I do then?" and then finally, "Excuse me, but I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor in the present. I am slow of speech and tongue."
As soon as I got to this part I had a hard time sticking with the rest of it, images flooded my brain of my past. I was totally relating to Moses.... I hated to give speeches in class. I would get nervous, couldn't eat, was sure that the world was going to mock me. In college, I waited until my last semester to take speech. It was literally the only class left for me to take. And then I took it online so that I wouldn't have to give speeches to a class. I videoed myself and turned it in to the teacher. In the syllabus one of the requirements was to give the speech to a small group of people and get their feedback. Which I did for the first speech and I really stepped out of my comfort zone, I gave it to our staff at the church we were at, which happened to include my husband and my parents and a friend. When I got my grade and re-watched the video I realized that my family and another staff member couldn't even be seen, so I decided for the rest of the semester I would just set the video camera up in the conference room and give it to the camera.
I'm just like Moses, I wanted a loop-hole out of speaking in front of people. The thing is, it wasn't necessarily the speaking in front of people I was scared of, yes, my voice would shake, my stomach would be in knots, I would have way more adrenaline than I knew what to do with. But that wasn't my fear.... my fear was "what if I mess up?" "What if they think I'm terrible?" I kinda think Moses may have been like that. "What if I mess up my words, will the Pharaoh and his men laugh at me?" Not only that, but Moses was coming back as a wanted criminal (you should totally read the story in Exodus). The thing I had to come to grips with, and that I struggle with every single day, is that only God can determine my usability, that is not for man to decide. When I speak in front of people, its only for God. Who would have known that God was preparing me and would use me to communicate His Story? Now because I love telling God's story, I have another struggle..... not letting it become about me. When I care about the criticism, its because I care about how I look not rather or not I'm being obedient to God.
Ultimately, because of Moses' obedience he plays the leading role in one of the greatest rescues in history and is able to meet God face-to-face. I want that!!! I want to know the sweetness that comes with obedience.
