He loves His Family
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| Paul with our niece, Emery Parrish |
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| Video Games With The boys :) |
He accepts ADVENTURE as it comes
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| Paul in a Mexican Hospital |
His IDENTITY is secure
He LOVES Me
Saturday, March 26, 2011
To My One and Only
Happy Birthday to my one and only!!!! Today, is such a great opportunity to celebrate all the things I love about my husband.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Good gifts..... Learning to Let Go.... Wounds
I'm wounded, I was wounded, I continue to be wounded. I have been wounded by well-meaning people and not so well-meaning people. I have allowed those wounds to control me. I don't let wounds roll off my back. Nope, there's no rolling. They grow roots and start the process of spreading, spreading deep into my heart and from there spreading into my whole being. A couple of years ago, I started the long hard process of pulling the weeds that had begun to spread from these roots, but I was pulling them like my kids pull weeds, just taking off the tops and not getting the whole ugly root. And so, the roots spread, faster, harder, more furiously.
About a year ago, I started to work at killing the roots. That has been amazingly hard work, to stop the lies, to kill the words that have wound there way around my heart... I'm not good enough... if I could only be a better.... wife, mother, friend, daughter, and at different points in my life - pastor's wife .... if I could only be skinnier...have nicer clothes....have better words to say... Do you see these roots spreading...like crazy!!!!! If you followed these roots down to the tips, you could find yourselves in some really dark places. As God and I took the weed-wacker to my heart, I started to let go of the lies, to see God's light shining on the darkness in my heart.... but now today I can become surprised at what I'm not letting go of, the place I want control of..... there is this one person....this one person that wounded me deeply.... its been called abuse by professionals and not that big of a deal by friends. Some days I find myself eagerly handing this person over to God, releasing him of the debt he owes me and giving him over to God. But some days I don't really trust God to deal with it, I want to see results and as of yet, this person doesn't admit his culpability.
I was taken off guard last week, the emotions sprung forth like an out of control fountain. My son asked why I was crying.... how do you answer that? I found myself very angry, not with this man, but with the men who were supposed to be God's shepherds and protect his flock from men like this. These men that still can't seem to protect God's flock from men like this. And so I press into God and I press into my husband. I trust them to lead me, to protect me and to walk with me. I trust that God is not done with my heart, that there will be a place where this man's name will come up or the situation and I won't feel the hurt as profoundly. And I find myself forgiving these men, for not protecting me and my family, for blindly watching the bludgeoning in front of them and justifying it. And I find God granting me peace and joy in these moments when I want to hold onto my wounds and hold people responsible for the wounds.
About a year ago, I started to work at killing the roots. That has been amazingly hard work, to stop the lies, to kill the words that have wound there way around my heart... I'm not good enough... if I could only be a better.... wife, mother, friend, daughter, and at different points in my life - pastor's wife .... if I could only be skinnier...have nicer clothes....have better words to say... Do you see these roots spreading...like crazy!!!!! If you followed these roots down to the tips, you could find yourselves in some really dark places. As God and I took the weed-wacker to my heart, I started to let go of the lies, to see God's light shining on the darkness in my heart.... but now today I can become surprised at what I'm not letting go of, the place I want control of..... there is this one person....this one person that wounded me deeply.... its been called abuse by professionals and not that big of a deal by friends. Some days I find myself eagerly handing this person over to God, releasing him of the debt he owes me and giving him over to God. But some days I don't really trust God to deal with it, I want to see results and as of yet, this person doesn't admit his culpability.
I was taken off guard last week, the emotions sprung forth like an out of control fountain. My son asked why I was crying.... how do you answer that? I found myself very angry, not with this man, but with the men who were supposed to be God's shepherds and protect his flock from men like this. These men that still can't seem to protect God's flock from men like this. And so I press into God and I press into my husband. I trust them to lead me, to protect me and to walk with me. I trust that God is not done with my heart, that there will be a place where this man's name will come up or the situation and I won't feel the hurt as profoundly. And I find myself forgiving these men, for not protecting me and my family, for blindly watching the bludgeoning in front of them and justifying it. And I find God granting me peace and joy in these moments when I want to hold onto my wounds and hold people responsible for the wounds.
I'm thankful for a God who grants me good gifts when I choose to let go.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Good Gifts.....Learning to Let Go.... iPod touch
On Christmas Day, we bought an iPod touch. I had been saving birthday money, a few gifts here and there and Paul and I both got some money from Christmas that allowed us to buy this material treasure. I know you can already tell that I had too much emotional attachment to this electronic device. I had saved this money for an undisclosed artistic activity that would be permanently attached to my body, but then I started to think it would be better to get a Kindle, I could see the homeschooling benefits of having an e-reader, especially after packing and unpacking books for all of our trips. But then Paul started thinking an iPod touch was the way to go, he wanted the video capabilities, and really started to see the options it gave our music ministry. I start looking at the iPod touch and decide that for our low-budget and current needs it would be a great multi-tasking device. On Christmas morning, I start googling iPods and find an incredible Christmas morning deal. And I fall in love with this little electronic device, on the road its so handy.... books, email, music, games, facebook, netflix, camera, taking videos. But then the unthinkable happens.... Paul ends up in a hospital in Mexico and the iPod goes with him and ends up on the same table as a beautiful bouquet of flowers and gets watered. In case you aren't up with technology....great tools....don't respond to water very well. Initially, I don't care, my emotions are more wrapped up with Paul (thankfully, it would be terrible if I was more worried about the iPod). But as Paul starts to heal, I start to get really irritated. I'm really irritated because I can't replace the stupid thing, our budget doesn't allow for that. I'm really, really irritated because I can' t believe that I have allowed my heart to be taken captive by a stupid electronic device. I'm really, really, really irritated because Paul ISN'T irritated and so I feel stupid, really, really stupid. It doesn't take me long to realize that I need a heart-to-heart with God, because there is some really, ugly stuff in my heart, stuff that I'm ashamed even took root there in the first place. I realized that I love gifts and I hold on to gifts...maybe a better word would be cling. I feel special when I receive gifts and in my mind this iPod was the culmination of a lot of gifts and I wanted to hold on to it forever and now I needed to let go. Could I trust that there were more gifts coming and maybe even better gifts? Could I trust my husband to love me in a way that made me feel special? Could I trust God to love me in a way that made me feel special? Do I really even need to feel special? My heart kept coming back to yes..I can trust God and because I can trust God, I can trust my husband, and I don't really need to have things to feel special.... I can choose to trust God that I am uniquely His, I can trust Paul that I am uniquely his and who cares what gifts I receive or possessions I may have. AND then......God chose to shower me with gifts...a Kindle and an iPod touch. And (so far) I have chosen not to let them steal my heart, but to let my heart belong only to God.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Good Gifts......Learning to Let Go
A couple of weeks ago I was bombarded by this weakness inside of me. Every time I turned around I saw evidence of its stronghold in my life. This week I'm start making a list of the ways I struggle to let go.....
Appendix... I love the appendix of books, there are always so many treasures in the appendix, information that seems to only be for nerds like me... not for the ordinary individual that only wants what is in the primary text of the book. I love them so much that sometimes I read the appendix first, though I have been known to read magazines, journals, cookbooks, newspapers and some books backwards (not novels, but a lot of non-fiction). But the appendix that is attached to the intestines in the human body is another beast. I don't love it.....this organ (can you call it that? how is it categorized?) that allows the koala to eat eucalyptus leaves....maybe if I was a koala I would love it. But... I especially don't love it when it gets infected in the body of my husband when he is in a mountain village in southern Mexico. The middle of the night text that says... right-side pain, somethings wrong, what should i do... is not comforting. Suddenly, I found myself calling my mom...in tears. And of course I had people reminding me that it was just an appendix, not that big of a deal, could be much worse. But I found my heart wanting to control, to control the health of my husband, the circumstances under which he had his appendix out, I wanted CONTROL. I wanted to know that Paul would be okay, that he would come home healthy, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to not have to trust God as much as He was asking me to. And yet, I found my heart at peace for a time... through the crisis. The next day,the day I knew Paul was okay, I started the process of falling apart... of being an emotional wreck.... of wishing he wasn't going to come home and need to heal... of wishing a different experience for him. So, I start to see my pride, my attitude that said...."I've taken care of sick kids for 10 days and had barely any sleep and now I will have a husband to take care of." And I find myself with God on my knees wishing I could say something different, wishing I could say I trust you completely to meet my needs, to restore my strength and to bring me joy. Instead, once again I have to confess, I don't trust you enough, maybe not at all, to meet my needs, to be my strength, to be my joy, to watch over my family, to be in control of my journey. And God being the benevolent, generous God that he is, gives me amazing, good gifts.... I found more joy in serving my family, than I had in a long time. He gave me the strength and the passion to serve and love my family in deep places, not just on the surface but in the deep places that speaks to their souls deeply. I thought that week was maybe going to be written on my heart as a terrible, no good, horrible week, but God rewrote it, spoke grace over it, gave me a story, of strength and joy and trust, of intimacy and community and most of all..... of peace.
Appendix... I love the appendix of books, there are always so many treasures in the appendix, information that seems to only be for nerds like me... not for the ordinary individual that only wants what is in the primary text of the book. I love them so much that sometimes I read the appendix first, though I have been known to read magazines, journals, cookbooks, newspapers and some books backwards (not novels, but a lot of non-fiction). But the appendix that is attached to the intestines in the human body is another beast. I don't love it.....this organ (can you call it that? how is it categorized?) that allows the koala to eat eucalyptus leaves....maybe if I was a koala I would love it. But... I especially don't love it when it gets infected in the body of my husband when he is in a mountain village in southern Mexico. The middle of the night text that says... right-side pain, somethings wrong, what should i do... is not comforting. Suddenly, I found myself calling my mom...in tears. And of course I had people reminding me that it was just an appendix, not that big of a deal, could be much worse. But I found my heart wanting to control, to control the health of my husband, the circumstances under which he had his appendix out, I wanted CONTROL. I wanted to know that Paul would be okay, that he would come home healthy, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to not have to trust God as much as He was asking me to. And yet, I found my heart at peace for a time... through the crisis. The next day,the day I knew Paul was okay, I started the process of falling apart... of being an emotional wreck.... of wishing he wasn't going to come home and need to heal... of wishing a different experience for him. So, I start to see my pride, my attitude that said...."I've taken care of sick kids for 10 days and had barely any sleep and now I will have a husband to take care of." And I find myself with God on my knees wishing I could say something different, wishing I could say I trust you completely to meet my needs, to restore my strength and to bring me joy. Instead, once again I have to confess, I don't trust you enough, maybe not at all, to meet my needs, to be my strength, to be my joy, to watch over my family, to be in control of my journey. And God being the benevolent, generous God that he is, gives me amazing, good gifts.... I found more joy in serving my family, than I had in a long time. He gave me the strength and the passion to serve and love my family in deep places, not just on the surface but in the deep places that speaks to their souls deeply. I thought that week was maybe going to be written on my heart as a terrible, no good, horrible week, but God rewrote it, spoke grace over it, gave me a story, of strength and joy and trust, of intimacy and community and most of all..... of peace.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Land To Possess
Yesterday, was by any estimation one of the best Saturdays in a long time, maybe ever. It included all the elements that would add up to perfection (for me)....sleeping in, getting out of town, being at the ranch, hanging with my brother and his family, reading, hiking, watching the kids play basketball, no computers, no tv, no wii. I'm telling you, it was the kind of day that ended with climbing into bed completely satisfied, no regrets. I also learned a lot about my kids, my boys in particular. I embraced there joy as they jumped out of the suburban exclaiming, "Lets run around". And thats what they did for the first thirty minutes, they ran and ran and ran, dogs chasing them and yelling "lets go here". They checked each of their favorite places to explore, making sure everything was how they left it.
About an hour into our time at the ranch, a new repetition started to arise from the troops, when are we hiking, when are we heading to the hills, when?!?!?!?!? So, once again I'm watching them explore and yet respond with recognition and a sense of knowing. There is something about new adventures, but there is also something about having a land to call their own, a land to possess and know. Our youngest son scurried to the top of the bluff with binoculars in tow and a small pocket knife in hand and looked over the land he had just been playing in. He watched the birds flying over it and commented on the cracks and crevices that can only be seen when looking down on the ground.
I watched my kids and my nephews eagerly waiting for their insight. I love how kids cloak their insight in sarcasm or complaining or joyful exuberance, I love that if you listen long enough, you can hear their hearts, you can hear their battle cry. So, as we walk and climb, it starts to dawn on me..... the boys need a land to possess... a land to call their own and a land to know. They love these canyons and burnt trees and falling rock intensely and they are enjoying the process of knowing the land....knowing it is a way a child cannot know land in middle-class suburban America.
The thing about possessing the land is that for them its not an individual task, it is something they do together because they belong together. They not only need a land to possess but they also want a people to belong to. They love saying they are cousins and Crockers. Yesterday, they moved passed understanding that they are all Crockers... to understanding that they are all Shauls, because together they have a land that ties them together and grandparents and aunts and uncles and great-aunts and great-uncles and second cousins and we somehow all belong to each other. As we walked, my brother and I told them stories of sledding and chokecherry picking, feeding cattle and searching for treasures with a metal detector, pretending to be Indian Scouts and riding horseback through the hills.
When I shared my insights with my husband, he reminded me that God had given his children these same things I want to give my kids. A land to possess and a people to belong to. And so I'm reminded that even now God is giving me a people to belong to. He has blessed me with a physical family to belong to and to be honest I love being a Crocker and a Shaul. I love my connection to the land our family calls home and I look forward to our extended family being together again. I love being with my aunts and watching my kids play with "cousins". But God has also given me a people to belong to that aren't "blood", but still family. I love our church family. My kids have already started the count down to InsideOut on Friday night. It is the spiritual family they know they belong to. Our youngest will ask me no less than 5 times a day, "How long 'til InsideOut?" Its funny to watch their connection, because they don't necessarily engage in conversation and they tend to do their own thing but they just like knowing that for one evening we will all be together, we will eat together, pray together, laugh together, play together, cry together and those things that families do together. We might even get irritated with each other, but that only serves to make us more of a family. I love to be in this place where we can't wait to be with our spiritual family, whether its our "immediate family" on Friday nights or our "extended family" on Sundays.
I love that God chose a perfect day and seven children to teach me some valuable insights and most importantly to teach me how much He loves me.
About an hour into our time at the ranch, a new repetition started to arise from the troops, when are we hiking, when are we heading to the hills, when?!?!?!?!? So, once again I'm watching them explore and yet respond with recognition and a sense of knowing. There is something about new adventures, but there is also something about having a land to call their own, a land to possess and know. Our youngest son scurried to the top of the bluff with binoculars in tow and a small pocket knife in hand and looked over the land he had just been playing in. He watched the birds flying over it and commented on the cracks and crevices that can only be seen when looking down on the ground.
I watched my kids and my nephews eagerly waiting for their insight. I love how kids cloak their insight in sarcasm or complaining or joyful exuberance, I love that if you listen long enough, you can hear their hearts, you can hear their battle cry. So, as we walk and climb, it starts to dawn on me..... the boys need a land to possess... a land to call their own and a land to know. They love these canyons and burnt trees and falling rock intensely and they are enjoying the process of knowing the land....knowing it is a way a child cannot know land in middle-class suburban America.
The thing about possessing the land is that for them its not an individual task, it is something they do together because they belong together. They not only need a land to possess but they also want a people to belong to. They love saying they are cousins and Crockers. Yesterday, they moved passed understanding that they are all Crockers... to understanding that they are all Shauls, because together they have a land that ties them together and grandparents and aunts and uncles and great-aunts and great-uncles and second cousins and we somehow all belong to each other. As we walked, my brother and I told them stories of sledding and chokecherry picking, feeding cattle and searching for treasures with a metal detector, pretending to be Indian Scouts and riding horseback through the hills.
When I shared my insights with my husband, he reminded me that God had given his children these same things I want to give my kids. A land to possess and a people to belong to. And so I'm reminded that even now God is giving me a people to belong to. He has blessed me with a physical family to belong to and to be honest I love being a Crocker and a Shaul. I love my connection to the land our family calls home and I look forward to our extended family being together again. I love being with my aunts and watching my kids play with "cousins". But God has also given me a people to belong to that aren't "blood", but still family. I love our church family. My kids have already started the count down to InsideOut on Friday night. It is the spiritual family they know they belong to. Our youngest will ask me no less than 5 times a day, "How long 'til InsideOut?" Its funny to watch their connection, because they don't necessarily engage in conversation and they tend to do their own thing but they just like knowing that for one evening we will all be together, we will eat together, pray together, laugh together, play together, cry together and those things that families do together. We might even get irritated with each other, but that only serves to make us more of a family. I love to be in this place where we can't wait to be with our spiritual family, whether its our "immediate family" on Friday nights or our "extended family" on Sundays.
I love that God chose a perfect day and seven children to teach me some valuable insights and most importantly to teach me how much He loves me.
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