My More Than Enough Life

How can I have so much and yet not enough?  

It seems that I do not have enough of the clothes I want to wear or the food I want to eat.  I don’t have enough time to do what I want to do and yet I have so much.

My house gets cluttered, my closet is full and so is my refrigerator.  I have more books than I have read and more movies than I can watch.

And yet, I have nothing to wear and nothing to eat.  I seem to always want what I do not have.  

I know I am not the only one, our whole culture operates this way.  Each new season brings new clothing trends and new food trends, like pumpkin spice everything (FYI... I don’t need that trend).

This seems to be a part of the first world human condition, too much but not enough.  I can not imagine that we are meant to live in this state, the angst and tension of needing more clouding our vision of what we have.  This tension becomes its own type of bondage, we become stingy and entitled whiners.  I have no desire to fall into the entitled whiner trap. Thus, I have developed strategies to combat the too much but not enough situation in my heart and in our home. These are neither new or creative but they are effective:

Be Thankful: I make a gratitude list as often as I remember, and more often when I’m feeling like I don’t have enough.  Today it looks something like this... I am thankful that I have clothes and I will be warm.  I am also thankful that I have a few really cute pieces of clothing that I really love.  I am thankful that my freezer is always full and not once in my life have I really experienced hunger.  I am thankful that my kids don’t experience hunger anymore and take full lunch boxes.

Clean It Out: I have found the more paired down my wardrobe is, the more I feel like I have, things don’t get lost in the closet and I can easily find what I want to wear.

Be mindful when shopping:  OKAY,  this is the hardest solution for me.  I am an emotional shopper, especially with clothes.  I can stick to a grocery list (if my kids are not with me). But when I start looking at clothes, I imagine myself in the outfit and how amazing I will feel and I know it will definitely make my life better and in the cart it goes. 

Have a financial goal: I do much better when I am mindful, have a goal and make a list.  This summer I was really trying to create some fun experiences with our kids.  This required some financial goal setting and A LOT of self-discipline.  I went a whole month without buying coffee at any coffee shop in Torrington (I let myself buy it when we were out of town).  We did not eat out, except for fun meals when we were traveling.  The end result was lots of fun and I never once missed the coffee.

Use the library more than Amazon:  I have to throw this one in because I read a lot (check me out on Goodreads or on Instagram at cristinereads).  There are times when I buy books.  Because I read so much I have had to make some book buying guidelines for myself.  I buy the books my book club is reading, that’s about 12 books a year.   I really like to buy used or from an indie bookstore.  I also buy books when we are traveling. I try to buy books as souvenirs for myself and my kids when we travel by searching out indie bookstores, check out indiebound.org to find great bookstores.  But let's be real, I live in the middle of nowhere, with not a huge library and sometimes I need to use the 2-day Amazon prime shipping.

Splurge on experiences, not on things:  I want my kids to experience life, and not be tied down to things.  They think they are completely deprived because they don’t have an xbox one.  The money we would have spent on that has gone to museum memberships and zoo trips.  They have been to the theater and concerts. They have travelled widely within the United States.  I can guarantee, in the long run that those experiences will be more important than any gaming system that will go out of date.

That’s it! That's how I combat the too much but not enough syndrome.  Just the act of writing this down has reminded me how much I have, I have so much to be thankful for.

My ReEvaluated Life

The wheels fell off the bus this week. All the way off the bus, rolled into the ditch and the bus screeched to a complete halt. Okay, let's be real, that is my first very dramatic response. It’s not really that dramatic, it's just time to re-evaluate.  Its no different than the parent/teacher conferences I just had with my ELL boys.  Every once in awhile we have to ask ourselves, what's working and what's not.  It turns out there are some things that are not working for me.

As fall comes and the sun doesn’t shine as brightly, I’m a little more tired, even a little more cranky. 

As my kids hit the end of the first quarter, the newness is wearing off and now people are complaining about going to school.

My energy can no longer run off warm days and sunny skies.  I was listening to Rachel Hollis' Facebook Live on Monday and this phrase stood out to me,

energy is not something we have, it is something we create

The season has changed, I can no longer create energy from the sun hitting my face, I need a new energy source. I think I’ll try the new energy source of.... coffee. JK, I want more coffee, but more coffee doesn’t actually help. It is in this season when I am tired and want to watch Netflix and eat junk food that I need physical exercise more than ever.  I am less active because it is less warm.  But I want less chub and less grumpiness, so I will have to hitting the gym more and eat good healthy green food. My new mantra, “less chocolate, more kale, less Netflix, more treadmill."

I was running off the newness of my schedule and adrenaline. Adrenaline burns out and newness tarnishes. I have to find something a little more consistent to make them go around. Rhythms replace adrenaline. Don’t get me wrong, I love running off adrenaline. I love the jolt of energy and flying down the highway at the speed of light and throw-you-off-the-cliff kind of feeling. But that only takes you so far and usually ends in a crash. Consider us crashed.

Putting the kids in public school has been a complete shift in our family rhythm. In August, Paul and I worked to create a decent daily rhthym, and when-the-kids-are-away rhythm. We didn’t really establish a family rhythm. This week, we had to sit down and figure out a family rhythm. Expectations had to be restated and a rhythm re-found. Rhythms help our kids feel safe and secure. Now they know what to expect so they aren’t randomly getting into trouble for not meeting an expectation that they didn’t know existed.

Here we go, we got some rhythm, let’s get some purpose.

Purpose takes the place of newness. So much about this fall was new. 

Kids were in school, I was putting more energy into the church. 

Our oldest went to college. 

I used to cook three meals a day for my kids, now I sometimes make one. 

All of this was fun, but the newness is fading. The cracks are showing. I have to know my purpose. Why am I doing what I am doing? It’s been a while since I have written a purpose statement for myself. In Micah 6, Micah reminds the Judeans of their purpose and I think I will steal it as my purpose statement.

HE has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you?

But to DO JUSTICE, LOVE MERCY, and TO WALK HUMBLY with your God 

Although all of these three phrases goes together.  The phrase that is really connecting with me is to LOVE MERCY.   I don't always love mercy, because mercy feels unfair and like I'm giving something up.

The thing is that what really sent the wheels flying off the bus was me.

I want to feel a certain way....happy, peaceful, in control

I want my life to go in a certain direction.

I want to be affirmed and told I’m doing a really good job.

I want people to like me.

I want to be valuable.

I want to be important.

I want my family to love and appreciate me.

I want to have a voice and have people listen to it.

100% me

Without fixing this, this bus will only gimp along. It's not that I don’t read my Bible or pray. It's not that I don’t listen to podcasts or sermons or worship music... okay I barely listen to worship music, but we can talk about that later. It's not that I don’t serve the church or read books that grow my faith or journal. I do all these things. I serve and serve. 

I love my “job” but I struggle with the people. And when I say struggle, I mean I am embarrassed to be associated with certain people.

 

I struggle with the people that have so combined their beliefs and politics that it has become a religion.

I struggle with people on social media who proclaim truth, but to the end that it serves them. 

I struggle with people that leave no space for diversity or differences or viewpoints that are different than theirs. 

My struggle has left me embarrassed to be a follower of Jesus.

I know the real problem here is me, and the solution is Jesus. But what if that means people think that I hate the same people that they hate because we both say that we follow Jesus. I don’t want that and I don’t know what to do with that. I have found that this tension requires mercy, for me and for others. In Anne Lamott’s book, Hallelujah Anyway, she riffs on the theme of mercy. And when dissecting how mercy met the Samaritan woman she says this, “She kept lying. Jesus did not stomp away. He stayed with her.” Maybe following Jesus means following him to these places with all the people I struggle with. When I feel like the “christian political agenda” is self-serving and not people serving and certainly not even close to serving the Kingdom of God, I am not going to stomp away. I will try to at least graciously walk away without stomping.

In the best version, I will bring mercy to the table. 

Anne Lamott finishes the chapter with this:

Jesus said to the woman at the well, Be like me: be true to who you really are; be in truth, share, and above all, try to forgive.

This is the mercy I will hold out to the others and myself...

Be like Jesus

Be true to who Jesus made me to be

Be in truth

Share

Try to forgive

I would love to know how you are re-evaluating your life?  What are the things that keep you moving?

My Rhythmed Life

Rhythm’s make life easier. We are made for rhythm, the rising and setting of the sun, the seasons, the phases of the moon, and most obviously, when great music comes on we can't stop moving. All of this tells us that we were created for rhythm. I wane in and out of rhythm in my life. Sometimes my groove is totally on and I am moving through life.  I'm productive, but rested.  I spend time doing what I love and feel great about.  But there are other times in my life when my groove is OFF.  I'm tripping all over myself.  I don't love how I am spending my time and I can't figure out how to be productive.  

Just like untangling the knots of my emotional life, to really understand my life I have to observe it.  I make note of when I feel good and when I feel out of sync.  I track down the source of the angst and make a correction.  I have noticed that during seasons of having my groove on, this is what my weekly rhythm looks like.

Mondays are for getting my life in order, calendar, groceries, meal prep, etc
Tuesdays are for every kind of staff meeting you can think of, from our whole staff to worship planning to stage decor
Wednesdays are for youth group prep and youth group 
Thursdays are for laundry and putting the house together
Fridays are for rest and hanging out with friends
Saturdays are for family and recreation with a mix of weekend service prep
Sundays are for gathering with my church family, laughing with my SLUGs (student leadership underground group), with a nap thrown in there somewhere

To keep my groove grooving, my days must have rhythms too.  The times are not important for this to work, but moving through the flow is.

Get up, start coffee and listen to a podcast
Make lunches and throw in a load of laundry
Get the kids to school
Workout and listen to a podcast or book
Give my Soul some rest through meditation and reflection
Get on to the days tasks
Nightly walk/debrief the day with Paul

My weekly workouts even have a rhythm... gym, yoga at home, gym, yoga at home, gym, super long walk, nap.

To keep my rhythms in check I have to check-in with my values. This has not been the easiest task for me. I’m an ENFP, otherwise known as the never ending loop opener, i.e. it takes an act of God to close a loop. I have to set aside time to check-in with myself and ask myself what is still resonating with me and start closing the open loops that are no longer apart of the values I am called to at the moment. This is a great Monday activity for me.

One of the ways I keep my rhythms going is by having music to guide me.  The music I choose helps to point my heart in the right direction. This changes regularly, but this is the playlist for the moment.

For the last six months, I have started my days with this...

Then I wake my kids up with this... 

My Soul Rest time is guided by this album...

When I’m connecting with my social justice longings, I listen to this...

You can find the whole album here:
https://open.spotify.com/album/3HmkL2AENDW4XO9Da0NGy9?si=paxOAvx9SFCNC4ayln9U4w

When I’m getting my life in order and enjoying life, I listen to this...

You can find the whole album here:
https://open.spotify.com/album/7dwIWyB2jdJgL3P2JEgRKm?si=4dTU7F8ZT3SMqMEPrc8M7w

I bet you have rhythms too. Intentional rhythms guide us, unintentional rhythms can hinder us. Do you know what your rhythms are? I would love to hear how you create rhythms in your life.